Jon, a 40-year-old businessman had a series of relationships each lasting around six months to a year. You can hear these fears echoed in the phrases men use, like, “the ball and chain,” and “she had me by the balls.” It’s easy to see then how marriage becomes the definite marker of an imbalance of power-where the woman-as-wife simply takes over the man’s life.įear of Being Controlled: The Story of Jon As a result, many men grow up with a view of women as weights that hold them down or as controlling objects that won’t let them go. This battle for a separate identity is, according to some scholars on gender differences, harder for men than women. Remember that in order to define their own separate identities, they really had to pull away from their mother early on in their lives. In my experience, men value their independence and freedom even more greatly than women. Fear of Being Controlled and Smotheredīecause of the strong mothering pressure that most men experience growing up, fear of being controlled is also a common pattern. If there is a disagreement, he tends to pull away and use text/email or simply does not respond to your messages.Ģ. But he was committed to therapy and over time the couple worked together and to Emmett’s great relief, became engaged.įear of Rejection Warning Signs: He avoids angry exchanges like the plague. Whenever she brought this up, Emmett tended to clam up and withdraw. She had her own issues about Emmett’s lack of support for her work as a graphic designer. But with support, he was able to speak his truth. He was very nervous that when he was straight with Riko she would storm out (like his mother, who had a difficult personality). Eventually, Emmett agreed to a joint session with Riko. He shared his unhappiness with me but even after my prodding, he refused to tell his lover. After several months, Emmett was very unhappy with Riko’s passivity during sex. Nonetheless, he told me in numerous sessions how he was sure she would get disenchanted and leave him. Riko looked up to Emmett and his great intelligence. Emmett, one of my therapy clients, was a computer security expert who had a history of falling for gorgeous Asian women whom he believed were “out of his league.” Emmett met Riko, a much younger Japanese woman, online.
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